Hope After Heartbreak
No, I am not a victim I am a survivor. I survived abuse, not from a relationship but a culture.
I never received a physical hit, but my emotions took many blows.
Emotional abuse is real. It goes far beyond the physical pain to touch and pierce the heart. One article list examples of emotional abuse as:
• Yelling or swearing
• Name calling or insults; mocking
• Threats and intimidation
• Ignoring or excluding
• Isolating
• Humiliating
• Denial of the abuse and blaming of the victim
And further suggests; Lying and slanderous statements are considered abuse as well.
So yes, the above words describe my reality for so long. Like many persons, both male and female, I endured the situation. I endured not because I didn’t have a way out but because it was God’s call for my life. The reality is that there are times God calls us to stay. Many days I prayed for release I prayed for a way to escape, but in a very audible voice, the Lord said, “be still.” How could the God I love so much call me to stay in misery?
In my stillness, I endured pain. Pain often ignored by the abuser. Pain that caused silent tears. I was once so passionate, but the abuse caused me to develop feelings of resentment. I developed feelings of loneliness and isolation. It left a void that only the Father could fill. Yes, isolation by man draws us nearer to the Father. A Father who picks up the broken pieces to mold us again.
As God puts me back together, I still have scars from the abuse. My scars are not readily visible. My scars are seen in my inability to trust and to enter into relationship.
Yes, God loves me, but I’m afraid to connect with others and share that love. I put my heart on the line only for it to be trampled by others. I am reminded of that lonely abused individual who lives in fear. That person that never experienced true love merely because they were afraid to try again.
2 Timothy 1:7 tells us: For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but one of power, love, and sound judgment. So yes, I will try again. I will put myself out there but on my time. When I am ready, I will give all of Katrina again. My story does have a happy ending. Not ready for commitment but I am “dating” healthy cultures. (my next blog series)
I love the emotions of your writing